What is this?

Something very different is going on. But I can't place my finger on it. I've been having more dreams of late. I don't know if it's coincidence or if it's for the fact that I've been chanting every night before bed. For the last two nights I've been able to remember my dreams better. But it feels like every night becomes longer and longer. I've been awake for so long and yet I am so very tired. I can't force myself to sleep.

Something else seems off. I feel as if every man on earth won't touch me with a ten foot pole. I think though it's because of my tendency to become really attached. It's so hard not too when every guy that's walked in to my life would never consider me as a boyfriend. But even so...no one approaches me anymore. I'm really beginning to wonder if I will walk this Earth alone. But I move on.

Lately I've also been trying to battle my dysthymia in a new way. It's sort of like a book I saw. It was called something like How to Be Your Own Boyfriend. Which is an interesting concept on its own, but I need something else first. I need to know how to be my own friend. I don't know how to tell myself it's okay to mess up. I don't know how to encourage myself or motivate myself. So now I am trying to focus on myself in a third perspective. How would I interact with myself if I could; as if I am a secondary person.

If I can treat myself as a friend, maybe I'll be able to be a better one.

I feel changes all around me now. But not quite the ones I am hoping for.