I was reading the other day about subconciously setting yourself up to fail. It was an article on being afraid to succeed. What had brought me to the article was my curiousity of why I was so afraid to go out and do anything that would inevitably lead me to a better life. What I mean by that is a few things. I had filled out the FAFSA, after a weeks of prodding my mom and dad (it was like pulling teeth). I got a reward letter and got the macimum amount for the grant that I had applied for. $5550 for any school expenses, under my discretion (after tuition). The only step that I had to take thereafter was send to my school the documents that proved that I get that amount. I didn't follow through.
That is just the first case of my inability to succeed. Another would be my lack of success at getting a job. I have applied two places where I felt that I was going to get the job. But the fear of calling them back overwhelms me. I lose the job because I can't get through that final step. What is wrong with me? Well...it turns out that I am afraid of success.
In a way it means that I am scared to have expectations put on me. If I succeed at one thing I am expected to perform at the same level again, if not better. If I can't meet those expectations then I lose favor or respect in the eyes of those around me. So to avoid that loss and/or rejection I subconciously sabotage myself. I know now that's why I stay up so late on school nights or why I don't study so hard. I fail myself so that I don't fail those around me in the future. Which thinking on it now (the journal is already helping), I am already failing in the eyes of those around me by not accomplishing the task in the first place. Now I am wondering if the expectation to never achieve anything is worse than failing?
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